Boys and Girls and... Feelings.

I was talking to my sister yesterday, and she told me a story that really drove home how different girls and boys are (she has two boys, roughly the same ages as my two older girls).  Something happened and my 7 year old nephew was upset about something and she had to literally sit him down and ask him "How did that make you feel?" and then coax an answer out of him.

I don't think I've ever had to coax a description of a feeling out of any of our girls.  Not ever.  They are always ready and willing to extrapolate on any and every emotion that might possibly flow out of them.

This pic was taken right before a big melt-down. You can see the tears starting to form.

In fact, really, my wife and I have had to tell them several times to "Hold it in."  Now, that sounds bad, but let me tell you, there needs to be some restraint sometimes. As the rivers of emotion and feeling flow forth, they need to learn to bottle some of it up. It seems like sometimes the more they express their feelings and emotions, the more it seems to control them.

Sometimes when having a temper tantrum, they blat on and on (if you are not familiar with the "blat" it's kind of like a yell-cry and it's amazingly grating on the nerves), and sometimes they do little dances with their bodies or thrash around on the floor.

Who knew that a first haircut would elicit such dramatic crying?

They're kind of like a fairy, if you've read Peter Pan (or watched it, for that matter).  The anger/hurt/strong feeling overtakes them and they can't think or feel anything else. Most of the time, you just have to leave them alone for a bit and then they are fine.

We were at a parade, having fun. I know, I know. Hard to tell from this pic.

I think the crux of the matter is that kids need individualized parenting. There really is no generic "CHILD" that every parent gets. I have to say, it's easy to think, oh, I have four daughters, so I'm home-free by the fourth one!  Piece of cake, walk in the park, phone it in! But, it's not like that. The differences may not be as glaring as perhaps the ones between my girls and my nephews, but they are there all the same.

See, that's the tricky part of parenting. Figuring out what your kid needs. And then, just like everyone else, just when you think you've done it, they go and change on you! It's the nature of life, I guess.

Baby Talk

My one year old is starting to communicate with us. In more ways than just crying, that is.  Last night I asked her if she was ready to go to bed, and she shook her head “no” and then ran away (she stuck her tongue out too, but I’d like to think that was coincidental).  She’s also giving us all the cute baby talk and saying words here and there.  She’s progressing, getting bigger, maturing.

The Baby, on her first birthday. That's my hand in the foreground.

You would think that I would be used to it by now, but no, I’m not. 

For one, the child before this one (Caroline) didn’t really talk at all until a couple of months after she turned two.  Oh, she made her wants and needs known, though.  No problems there. She would do this thing where she would basically make these “huh”-ing sounds in lieu of actual words.  Let me see, how can I explain it…

Have you ever played any of the Lego video games (not the recent Lord of the Rings ones, but the older ones, like Harry Potter or Star Wars)?  The characters would say things, not words, just sounds, but the inflections and expression made you understand everything.  Well, that’s kind of how it was.  It was also sort of like how the teacher on the Charlie Brown cartoons would speak.

It was so funny sometimes. Like when she would tattle on her sisters, it was so clear what she was trying to say. Or if she was passionate about something, she was as serious doing her little “Caroline talk” as if she were saying the actual words.

Caroline, two years ago, at the height of her non-talking stage.

We debated doing speech therapy, but it was obvious she understood everything that was going on and was communicating (in a way), so we just decided to wait until she turned two to see what would happen. 

Well, we waited, and sure enough, a few weeks after she turned two, the words started pouring out of her.  It was like they had always been there, but she couldn’t let them out.  But when she did… well, let’s just say that she hasn’t stopped progressing.

My wife has this theory (she read about it somewhere) that if a kid is developing in one aspect very rapidly, other skills may be delayed. In Caroline’s case, she grew physically very, very fast.  She started walking (and practically running) at 10 months, and her motor skills were amazing. She started putting duplo Legos together by 16 months (the other girls were older than two before they started doing that).  So, we kind of figured that eventually her speech would catch up, and it has.

Three years old now, talking like crazy!

So, back to the one-year old… She’s doing the normal thing now, and it’s so cool. It’s amazing how each of our kids is so different and yet they all come from the same gene pool.

Although, here they seem like they are of the same mind...

A friend once told me that each stage of a kid’s life is better than the last, and I agree.  And I think it’s because you are seeing a person emerge, and it’s fascinating. 

5 Signs My "Coolness" Has Ended

Having kids presents a unique challenge when it comes to maintaining the "coolness" of pre-kid adulthood. I'll give you 5 signs it has ended for me.

1. Never in my teenage life, or adult for that matter, did I want to buy a minivan. Well, sure enough, I drive a minivan. And when my wife and I decided to buy one (much to my great reluctance), I said to her, "I just don't want a white one." Well, you can imagine what color it is. 

2. Not only has my "cool" car dreams been flushed, so has my grammar. (And I try to write as a living). My kids have a way of discombobulating the English language, and unfortunately, I find myself saying the same things they do. Little phrases like some form of "ruined up" has entered our children's vocabulary somehow (Just like "willn't"). An example of this phrase is "Mom, Dad, the baby's ruining up my Lego set!" or "Belle ruined up my notebook!" Either way, I occasionally find myself using this phrase, and cringing.

3. Changing a baby's diaper has never really been perceived as cool. But if you thought there is a little bit of cool involved, it completely is "ruined up" when you catch a vague scent of cat food in the diaper. And yes, we do have cat, so I know from where the source comes. It still doesn't, however, relieve the gag factor.

4. In the grocery store, I am now forced to use those carts with the little car on the front. You know what I'm talking about. They're the minivans of grocery carts. There is no "cool" factor in them at all... unless you can fit in them. But once again, I'm out of luck - just too darn big.

5. The last way my "cool" factor has been ruined is somewhat related to number 2. While I am not proud to admit, I have asked my wife before if she has seen my "panties." Let me remind you that I do have FOUR girls.

So, those are just a few examples of how my "coolness" has been "ruined up" with having children. But in the end, what does that matter? I doubt I had any to begin with!

Putting Kids to Bed

Putting kids to bed in our house is exhausting. All of our kids hate to go to bed, so it's always a pain. The three year old still won't lay in her bed long enough to fall asleep (someone has to hold her and "snuggle") so that's time consuming. That is if she isn't throwing a temper tantrum loud enough to wake the neighbors.

Then, the big ones ALWAYS find things to complain about, like:

"I've got a bug bite on my ear and it really itches!" (supposedly this happened in the afternoon, but I never heard anything about it prior to the moment of tucking in.)

OR

"I'm still hungry, dinner wasn't enough!" (Wife made an announcement 30 minutes ago about getting anyone who needed a snack a bowl of cereal... no takers.)

My 6 year old will occasionally ask us to brush her teeth for her because she's so tired, but then will declare wholeheartedly that she's not tired at all 5 minutes later when we tell her to get into bed.

Come to think of it, the 6 year old is the one who gave the two aforementioned excuses also... sometimes when you start tucking her into bed, she won't stop talking in an effort to get you to stay with her.  It sounds mean, but sometimes, you just have to walk away and say, "Good night, I love you" as you are walking out the door.  Funny enough, we notice that the more tired she is, the more tactics she uses to try to not go to bed.

The 6 year old (just thinking about going to bed)

Then, sometimes, we think she's in bed asleep when... all of sudden, as if we are in a horror movie,  she is standing right behind us, just watching us - saying nothing. She appears before us in the living room as we are reading, watching tv, writing a blog post, whatever.  When the lights are off, it can be downright creepy. And we're all, what the heck?! (Once our hearts start beating again) You're supposed to be in bed!  Go to bed!  You need to sleep!  She starts to talk, and we don't want to hear it - if you have to go to the bathroom, go!  If you need water, get it!  And GO BACK TO BED!

It's at this point, the tears start and the wail resounds through the house! It's not just a typical cry; it's like a siren. Why the tears, why?! Just go to bed!  You're tired! That's why you are crying! Finally, she goes back to bed and five minutes later we go back there, and she's talking to the 9 year old who is in the bunk above her, "keeping her awake."

We have to start talking punishments now, and it's too tiring. We're getting mad, because WE'RE tired!  Then comes the ultimate question of obnoxiousness from a child:

"Why do you have to be so harsh?"

ARGH.  These kids. This is a serious question to them, although, it is utterly ridiculous. You mean, after we have asked you to do something that kids all over America are doing at the exact same time (or earlier), something that is a legitimate request, and you have refused to obey after 20-30 minutes? Our tone gets a bit angry and YOU'RE SURPRISED?  Unbelievable. Overall, it's not a pretty end to the day.

Bedtime. It's a harsh reality. Can you tell what's happening as I write this?

All Girls? Not a Problem!

Some people may say that having all girls can be difficult or problematic, but I've generally got an answer for all the Debbie Downers out there: 

Random Person: "Oh, wait until they're all teenagers!" (My response: I'll build myself my own bathroom.) 

 Random Person: "Just wait until the boys come around!" (My response: I will make sure they are too busy for a boyfriend - working, acting in plays, volunteering, whatever. That, and a shotgun, of course... just kidding!  Okay, not really.  Yes, I'm just kidding, your boys are safe, I promise! They're not.) 

 Random Person: "My goodness, paying for all those weddings!" (My response: We have a big backyard and I'll try to build a gazebo in the next 10 years and they can help. Wife will teach them to sew their own dresses. See the aforementioned "keeping busy".) 

 Random Person: "All that hair clogging up the bathtub drain!" (My response: Okay, this one's me, not a Random Person. No one's actually ever said this, I just think it a lot. I've got no real answer for it yet.) 

 So, rather than think of the negative (which may be typical for me), I prefer to think positively about my life situation. Here are some ways I lucked out by having all girls: 

When they have to go to the bathroom away from home, my wife takes them. (If there's a family bathroom, like at Target, okay, maybe I will. But NO WAY will I take them in a men's restroom if I can help it. Please, people. Disgusting.


The puberty talk? Wife will handle that, no prob.

Birds & Bees talk? Ditto.

Right now, they generally all think I'm pretty cool, and some have even said they want to marry me. (I'm not kidding myself, I know this will fade, and fade QUICKLY when it does.)

I was a young boy once, and I feel like girls are less destructive, which means less home fix-it projects for me! (I once fell down the steps and went through the wall in my house when I was a kid.)


More baked goods. My wife makes a lot of great stuff now, but I can already see how that will probably increase. They already want to make cookies and cakes on their own and they are still just little!  (But I have to say that the Easy Bake Oven mixes aren't the tastiest things out there.)

I'm sure there are more reasons than this, but I'm under a time crunch here.  And also, see? I can be optimistic after all. My wife would say that's progress.

"Are you going to try for a boy?"

"Are you going to try for a boy?" 

This, by far, is one of the most common questions my wife and I get when we mention to someone that we have four daughters. This is understandable. People who have four boys probably get asked about "trying for a girl" also.

(SIDENOTE: I'm not the type to get offended or make a list of what people can or cannot ask me, e.g. 10 things not to say to a father of four girls or 5 Things to say to a SAHD.)  

Now, this is not going to be a blog post about fertility or ovulation timing or the Chinese calendar, or all those other things that probably my wife can pontificate on, but I really don't care about.  

The main fact that I want to point out is how silly it seems to be to "try" for something that ultimately is totally out of your control. I mean, "trying" for a baby, in general, I can understand. You obviously have to do your part on that (but even then, and sometimes for inexplicable reasons, it may not happen). 

So, I know that there are things you can do to "improve your chances" of having a particular gender (frankly, I don't really buy into them, that's just me), but in the end, it's kind of just up to God. 

So, my answer to this question is always, No. No, we are not going to "try" for a boy. That would be foolhardy on my end and probably just lead to disappointment when we would (inevitably) have a girl.  

I am happy with the four girls that we have. They are cute and fun and make our lives meaningful, sometimes stressful, and definitely not boring. I honestly don't regret not having a boy - it obviously wasn't meant to be.

Four Daughters

Pre-blog reading disclaimer: I know there are many athletic girls out there who love sports, but apparently our oldest is not one of those girls. Here's a conversation she and my wife recently had as we were prepping to go on a picnic. 

Wife: Why don't you bring a ball? Go get one and throw it in the van. 

Oldest: Why? 

Wife: What do you mean? 

Oldest: Why would we bring a ball? 

Wife: To play with. You know, like kick ball, soccer, something like that. 

Oldest: <blank look> 

Wife: So, I'm guessing you don't want to bring a ball. 

Oldest: No thanks. 

Wife: You're not going to want to throw a ball around? 

Oldest: No. Where's the jump rope? 

So, jump rope it was.

They could swing for hours (and no, we don't make them wear helmets while they do)

I write this because on Saturday, I participated in a church softball game, and I realized that it had been a long, long time since I had done anything remotely group sport oriented. And I was thinking that if I had four boys and not four girls, this probably would not be the case. Because although there are many boys who don't really like to play sports, the majority of them seem to. I know my brother and I did when we were young.

Now, since I homeschool, I have spent hours teaching the girls how to play kickball and baseball and soccer (for P.E.), but let's face it, I don't have a girl (yet) who has expressed real interest in playing competitive sports (unless running around is considered one.)

They loved me bonking them with the noodle.

Maybe the younger two will be different, but who knows. It doesn't really matter in the long run, but I just thought that it was interesting.

I feel like I've let the sports-loving person in me lapse over the years. My mediocre performance at the church softball game and my aching legs the day after prove this. 

What's my take-away? I think I'm going to start making my excuse for things a little more specific. For example: 

Me: (hitting a pop fly at church softball game) I have four girls! 

Me: (to not knowing the Mets record) I have four girls! 

Me: (to not knowing the names of the Cars characters, but remembering all of the My Little Pony character's names) I have four girls! 

Anyway, you get the point. 

If Dads Had Play Groups...

If you're a stay-at-home Mom, you'll know that there are all these "groups" and "playtimes" that you can go be a part of, take your kids to, hang out with other moms, etc... My wife has told me on several occasions that I should go to some of these groups and take the kids, hang out with other- wait a minute. I'm a Dad. Not a Mom. So... I'm not sure about this. 

I know that at one point in my life, the thought of hanging out with a bunch of women and being the only guy would have been ideal. You know maybe when I was in college and... not married with children.

So, I have to tell you something, and I don't claim to speak for every man, but I will speak for myself: I really have no desire to hang out with a group of women anymore. Frankly, that's my Monday through Friday routine. It's nothing personal. It just may be a bit awkward... for you and me.

In fact, it's a little too "girly." Since I have four girls (plus a wife), I feel like I already get my fair share of girliness. If I could bottle the estrogen that pumps through this house on a given day, I could probably rival any pharmaceutical company out there. And, let's face it. Do the women really want me there? Probably not. It would probably be weird for them. Sometimes I feel like maybe my kids miss out because of this, but then I just buy them an ice cream cone, take them to the playground, or direct a play for them to be in, and they're happy. Or, my wife takes off a few hours from work and we drive an hour to the nearest Barnes and Noble. Then we're all happy.

But my wife has mentioned several times that she thinks I should start a Dad's Group. I hate starting things, so that's a no go on many levels. But I started thinking... What would this Dad Group look like? I'm betting it would go something like this...

Dads arrive with the kids. If there are any girls among the children, their hair would either be down or in a ponytail. No braids or other fancy stuff. 

No one says anything at first except for maybe "Hey!" More than likely, heads would just head nod as the men shuffle toward the coffee maker and get coffee. That itself would be in doubt because who would make the coffee? Each man would probably come armed with their own travel mug or cup bought from Starbucks, Dunkin' Donuts, or a gas station. 

HOURGLASSES

There would be no snacks unless some guy brought donuts. We would nominate him to be the "planner" for the next one. (In other words, he would choose who bought donuts next time.)

Now, you could hear a few conversations spring up. What would they consist of? Who knows. But I'm sure movies would come up.

By this time, kids are running around like crazy and Dads are ignoring them (I feel like Moms would have toys set up, or a craft prepared). As far as men are concerned, the kids just need an open field or gym. 

There would be definite periods of silence as men take sips of their coffee and stare at the sea of children crashing around... or at a car passing by... or a tree swaying in the wind. We wouldn't want to say too much. Don't want to be too "chatty." But during these periods of brief silence, we would call out the name of our children just to fill in the gaps of wordless minutes.

Side tangent: True story about my Dad... When I was a kid, my Dad and another man would meet occasionally at Burger King to "hang out." I would go with him to hang out with my friend. All they would do is sit at the same table and drink coffee. For 45 minutes or more, they would just sit there. And drink coffee. No small talk. No chit chat. Nothing. The would maybe speak a sentence about something every 10-15 minutes. That's it. That's hardcore, people.

Anyway, back to the Dad's Group. We wouldn't meet from 8-10 or 9-11. It takes too much "planning." We would meet until our travel mugs are empty of coffee. Think of it as some sort of coffee hourglass. When the coffee is gone, that would let us know that we've been there long enough.

So... we call our kids and leave. There would be no saying we're leaving and stay for fifteen more minutes to continue talking. Once we say, "Time to go," we're out! We get the kids in the car and drive away.

It's then I realize that we never introduced ourselves. Oh well, we'll introduce ourselves at the next Dad's Group... 3 months from now.

Father... Another Name For Provider

Being a SAHD can be an isolating journey. Many people have their own perceptions on what I do or why I do it, and most of them are probably wrong. I've often heard this phrase: "Husbands/fathers should be the provider of the family." 

I wholeheartedly agree... just not in the way others may believe or that sentence implies.

A father is a provider. 

I'm also a firestarter... the non-horror movie kind

ABSOLUTELY.

If the family needs a cook, he is to cook; if it needs a handyman, he is to fix things; if it needs a dishwasher, he is to wash the dishes; if it needs a hairbrusher, he is to brush hair; if it needs a defender, he is to defend; if it needs financial support, he is to work; if it needs him to stay-at-home, he is to stay at home. 

If it needs the lawn mowed, he is a lawnmower... man... I guess.

That is what a father does. He provides. He is to provide whatever the family needs. 

Just as Mom is to be the model woman in the family, Dad is to be the model man (unfortunately, I often fall short of that standard). Though I would love to provide financially for my family, I am not a mere paycheck. I am more than that.

Sometimes, I am a giver of ice cream.

So... as I have worked in "a world of moms" for the past 9 years, I have come to this understanding - I am not a one-dimensional character that can only earn a living. I can build a family and take care of one as well. 

Why do I do it, you may ask.

Though it is none of your business, I will answer the question anyway. (Especially, since I am writing about it in an open forum making it somewhat your business.)

So, why do I stay at home? 

Because that is what my family needs of me.